I’m not an underachiever, I just aim low

January 29, 2010 § 2 Comments

I can talk ad nauseum about how things in my life happen by accident and how disconcerting it is to suddenly find myself doing really well at something I had not set out to do. Three times in my life I have found myself sitting across the desk of the powers that be, declining a promotion and being told that I lack ambition. And always, I get asked, “What is it really that you want to do?” I’ve always replied with a smart aleck-y answer, like I’d like to save the cheerleader and save the world. Or become a porn industry magnate because that’s where the money is. But it’s more difficult to be a smart ass when you’re the one asking yourself the question. Sometimes, when I sit around at home, bored out of my wits, I take out my notebooks and despair. In their often thumbed, cigarette burned pages is the me I don’t let out often enough. It’s the me who is my harshest critic, the one that examines every detail, the one that smacks me on the head for every meaningless, though well turned, phrase. She’s the smarter one, the one who asks the important questions and will not let go until she gets some answers. I should really let her take the driver’s seat more often but she scares me and I am such a coward. She makes me examine everything around me. And through her eyes I look at my life and become restless for immediate and earth shaking, life altering change. But I’m like those guys from Bottle Rocket, running around in circles to stay at the same exact spot. Change sounds really great right now, but I’d like to stay the same just for awhile longer.


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