January 31, 2010 § Leave a comment
I just saw an old high school friend’s newest photo album on Facebook. In 91 pictures, she demonstrates what is lacking in my life (love, family, contentment, etc.) and makes me want things I cannot have (love, family, contentment, etc.). So I’ve decided to rant about my neighbor instead, since I’m better at complaining about things than doing anything to make them better. Here are the Top Ten Things I Would Tell My Neighbor in 609 if We Had Been Friends:
10. Cover your mouth when you sneeze.
9. If you can’t do No. 10, buy lots of disinfectant and spray regularly.
8. Please see a doctor. You’ve been sneezing on and off the entire four months we’ve been neighbors.
7. I play rock music at full volume when I’m pissed, which is most of the time. But I don’t do it at odd hours just to disturb you. No need to break out the Celine Dion as a counter attack.
6. Yay, you get calls at 2 in the morning. I just wish your phone ringing woke you up faster than it does me.
5. I’m slipping a gift certificate for a consultation with an ear doctor under your door. Your friends obviously need it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be shouting at them all the time.
4. Your bed springs squeak.
3. It can’t be good for that person to be knocking his/her head on your headboard every time.
2. Tell whoever it is who does the walk of shame from your place at 5:30am to please not slam the door behind her/him.
1. You’re getting some regularly – good for you. Just, please, keep it down. There are children on our floor now.