February 17, 2010 § 3 Comments

Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, sweating from hours of tossing and turning, I hear my mother’s voice in my head saying, “Keep still!” I’ve spent most of my conscious life finding ways to still my restlessness. But like Dexter’s craving for murder, my ennui is my dark passenger. Once the twins dissatisfaction and disappointment have come knocking, I know restless would be coming through the door soon. The Nuclear Reactor has been calling them for months, asking them to come over and hang out. I know the easiest way to avoid them is to just never come anywhere near the Nuclear Reactor but somehow, in my brain there is a practical cell trying its best to hold the demons back. It’s just a few more months, I know. But every day, as I sit at my desk, staring at the stack of papers that is my prison sentence, my mind wanders to better things, everything else I’d rather be doing and all the places I’d rather be than here, at this drafty desk with no temperature control and where all the Sand Globe’s dust seems to congregate. But like I said, this is my year of change, and the first thing I’m changing is the way I go about things. Practical considerations come first, like say, keeping a roof over my head. So there’s no avoiding the Nuclear Reactor. For now, I’ll just be pretending it’s the estranged husband I can’t bear to look at but have to be civil to if I’m expecting a good settlement after the divorce.

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