Be still my beating heart

July 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

I fell asleep at 11pm last night and woke up at 2:38am today in a cold sweat, my mind racing with self-doubt, paranoia and that good old standby: paralytic fear. I was very tempted to check if a friend of mine, known to sleep very late, was awake at that time but I stopped myself. I can’t give in to this. Not when I am so close to my first step to a new, improved me. And most of all, I have to stop looking for people to hold my hand and tell me everything’s going to be all right. Because it won’t be. Not unless I make it so myself. I’m trying to stay positive but I seem to get worse and worst news as the days go by. Right now I’m expecting to be struck by lightning. Yes, right in the middle of this godforsaken desert. Or the plane I’m leaving on would go down in flames. But with just my kind of luck, I’ll be the lone survivor struggling with guilt for being the only one, and most unworthy, to survive.

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