Someone turn on the lights!

February 22, 2011 § Leave a comment

Although I am admittedly antisocial, there are times when it’s a challenge to do things alone. Nights used to be the most difficult for me, the hours after work stretching out like a big gaping void that slowly, oh so slowly, opens up at the first rays of dawn. For the last few weeks, however, it’s been the days that cause the cold, shaking hands; the sudden outbreaks of cold sweat; the intermittent quickening of the pulse; and the gnawing restlessness that tells me I should be doing something, anything, though I could never figure out what. And at those moments I wish I was the kind of person who picks up a phone, presses number one on speed dial, and hashes it out with someone who cares. Well I don’t have someone on speed dial, and my only companions at most times are the silly voices in my head who say things that make me panic even more.

It’s made me realize a lot of things about myself, that while not flattering, are still good to know. Like how I am lazy because I am complacent because I have always been confident in my ability to attack the task at hand with single-minded purpose and determination and see it through completion. And so when it is all over, I know perfectly well it is time to rest until the next mission comes along. Why I am arrogant at times, because I know that had things been left to me I would have found a better, more efficient way to do something that has unfortunately landed in an incompetent’s lap. Why I don’t like to depend on other people to do important things for me, because they inevitably fail and screw things up even more for me. The last few weeks have seen me in a tiresome dance of cha-cha, one step forward, two steps back, always hoping that my various partners would do the dance well enough to avoid stepping on my toes. And it’s been exhausting, frustrating, to say the least.

But as they say, I’m already wet, I might as well swim. There’s still this big ocean between me and where I need to be, and the sharks have started to circle around me. It’s scary, especially since right now I can’t see dry land yet up ahead, but I’ve come too far to turn right around and head back. I just hope that my tiny, steady strokes hold up somehow and I get to shore in one piece.    


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