Grief: Live on all five stages

March 15, 2011 § Leave a comment

I know, I watch too many TV shows and movies, and I read too many sappy books. And in all of these, sooner or later, someone will lie dying and someone is bound to bring up the five stages of grief. And while most people interpret the Kubler-Ross model as five simultaneous phases of dealing with tragedy, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance can actually hit you in no particular order and in no set timeframe. I know because my feelings have yo-yoed from extreme highs to the deepest lows in the past few months. Some days I wake up knowing that I will be fine no matter what the outcome of all this. On others I bolt out of bed listing in my head all the things I could do and all the people I could call to make this happen for me. On most days, I wake up to a weariness beyond physical fatigue, finding that there is no real reason for me to get up, so I might as well curl up under the sheets for a while longer.  But amidst all this, nothing has happened. Oh, all right, there have been some small victories but mainly things have gone from bad to worse in quick succession and all I want to do now is hide under a rock and wait for all this pass. But just as I start to think that, I get angry again, at the unfairness of it all, at the incompetence and apathy of the people I have had to depend on, at my helplessness to do anything. I am now convinced that if someone were to look closely at my heart, they’ll see fissures and fractures from where it has expanded and deflated too many times. I am scarred, battered , and bruised. And I just want it all to end. Right about now that handsome doctor is moving toward the equipment, pausing dramatically, wordlessly asking the next of kin if this is really what they want to do, and reaches for the plug.

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