Well, well, well . . .

October 24, 2011 § Leave a comment

So I’ve been practicing silence. No, not the “monks living in seclusion and never uttering a sound kind of silence”, just the “thinking before you speak” kind. And it helps that Twitter muzzles me to 140 characters or less. The best part is, as I’ve practiced silence, so have the voices in my head. They’re still there, waking me up at 4am and asking me what I’m doing with my life. But they’re no longer the constant nagging presence they once were. Sometimes I just wake up at 4am out of habit, wondering about the silence and then, blessedly, falling back to sleep. I guess this is it then. I’m finally on it, that elusive path to being okay.

Good morning, Grumpy

July 17, 2010 § Leave a comment

Had one of those nights when I’m afraid to fall asleep and when I do, I end up waking intermittently 2 to 3 hours in between. Finally gave up the game at 7:30am. I improved my Tiki Farm, greeted a friend on his birthday and now I’m writing this entry. Inside me, Excitement and Fear are having a battle of Clash of the Titans proportions. One second I just can’t wait to get on that plane and head on home, the next I just want to cower in a dark corner and never come out into the light again. And true to form, when this happens, my brain goes on default and I try to find some warm body to keep me company till the sun comes up and I get semi-normal again. I know this kind of thinking is what gets me into trouble and I’ve struggled against it. Stocking up on sleep, anxiety and relaxation meditations. Doing some overtime on my yoga. Starting this Tiki Farm which I pretend is a Zen garden. Most times it works. At others, like this past night, it doesn’t. And I just have to endure the night as it always passes, regardless of how paranoid or neurotic I get in those dark 10 hours or so. But now the sun is up, I have plans for the day and I’m optimistic that I’ll be getting a good sleep tonight. Optimistic. Hopeful. I’ll let you know if it does happen.

Be still my beating heart

July 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

I fell asleep at 11pm last night and woke up at 2:38am today in a cold sweat, my mind racing with self-doubt, paranoia and that good old standby: paralytic fear. I was very tempted to check if a friend of mine, known to sleep very late, was awake at that time but I stopped myself. I can’t give in to this. Not when I am so close to my first step to a new, improved me. And most of all, I have to stop looking for people to hold my hand and tell me everything’s going to be all right. Because it won’t be. Not unless I make it so myself. I’m trying to stay positive but I seem to get worse and worst news as the days go by. Right now I’m expecting to be struck by lightning. Yes, right in the middle of this godforsaken desert. Or the plane I’m leaving on would go down in flames. But with just my kind of luck, I’ll be the lone survivor struggling with guilt for being the only one, and most unworthy, to survive.

Reality is one big fat unforgiving bitch

July 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

In theory, leaving all your crap behind to move out and on is a very zen-like experience. You leave your baggage, people you need to be several continents away from and a job that you hated every second of. In reality, everything that constituted your life for the past five years, even the ones you’d like to forget, have left a mark on you not even stuffing them in boxes and wrapping and re-wrapping duct tape around them can erase.

Who dimmed the lights?

July 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I got bad news in rapid succession. And when you’re working 3 major jobs at the same time, getting bad, worse and catastrophic news in between is not a good thing. I’ve been riding high on a wave of positivity and pure joy for the last few days so yesterday was . . . well, a bummer. I’m trying to shake off this feeling of dread, cold hands and sudden bursts of terror so I’m gonna try and be active today. Finish the last of my packing. Sell of the last few items on my list and just keep moving. Hopefully that would be enough to keep the demons at bay.

Don’t call me ungrateful

July 4, 2010 § 1 Comment

Today, I am thankful for a friend who keeps me company virtually by staying online even though he hates chatting 🙂

Parting shots

July 4, 2010 § 1 Comment

Dear Rhett,
I know I could say this to you directly but I don’t want to be the one to open that can of worms again so I’ll just say it here. I miss you. You were there at the lowest time in my life and made it somehow bearable. Now that I’m happy, I wish that you were part of it too but I understand only too well why you can’t be.
The door that shouldn’t have been opened 

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