Safe Sex

January 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

This here specimen of masculinity is called Laocoon. There are two versions as to why Minerva sent that huge ass serpent to kill him. The first is for warning the Trojans about the Greeks. The second one is that he and his shorty conceived their sons (pictured with him) on sacred ground. I’m going for the latter version. That right there is one great ad for safe sex. So next time, think twice about getting it on. It will not not only save you from bringing forth some pesky kids, it could also save you from the wrath of some really PO’d goddess.

Stay lost, Ulysses

January 23, 2010 § 1 Comment

Penelope, I know you’re out there. Give up the weaving already! Here, take my red shoes. I always get lucky in them and I think they’re just what you need. Stop this nonsense of waiting for a husband who’s taken 20 years to get back home to you. You’re giving us women a bad name, making it virtuous to wait by the phone, wait for a man who’s never there anyway. Besides, Ulysses has  probably grown bald and paunchy by now. Find yourself someone 8 to 10 years younger than you. It’s . . . er . . . rejuvenating. Oh, and by the way, shrouds are so ancient history.

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