New career

February 6, 2010 § Leave a comment

When I was . . . er . . . younger, Hallmark cards were the way to show people you cared. Nowadays, you’re lucky if you get an “Oktnxby.” Here’s my Top Ten List of Lines I Should Have Submitted to Hallmark:

10. I wish you were here . . .
But I’m having my period so I’ll see you on Tuesday instead.

9. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful . . .
than the look of surprise on your face when I said it’s over.

8. You’ll always have a special spot in my heart . . .
that’s why I’m getting a transplant soon.

7. From the moment I saw you . . .
all I could think of was getting away from you.

6. I’m sorry . . .
I didn’t sneak out of bed and left you sooner.

5. For the special person in my life . . .
a gift certificate to an institution of your choice.

4. How much do I love you?
You’re the last one on my list of people I want to kill.

3. I miss you . . .
but I know I could always visit you where I’ve buried you under the house.

2. I’m thinking about you . . .
and the many ways I could cover up your murder.

1. Can’t wait to see you again . . .
NOT.

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Too Much Information

February 5, 2010 § Leave a comment

It takes only about 10 minutes on the net for you to figure out that you’re not as original as you thought. Here’s my Top Ten List of Things I Always Knew about But Didn’t Have a Name for Till I Saw It on the Net:

10. Chocolate starfish
9. Nerdgasm
8. THAT high
7. Massive fail
6. Cum dumpster
5. Beer goggles
4. Greeting beej
3. Liquor dick
2. Queef
1. Period boobs

TRANCEported

January 25, 2010 § Leave a comment

The Sand Globe is home to the region’s largest mall, the world’s tallest building and the universe’s stupidest drivers. I know because I’ve had to deal with them at least twice a day for the past 5 years. Here’s my Top Ten List of Basic Things Sand Globe Taxi Drivers Should Know:

10. I am not your sounding board. I tune out even my closest friends. What makes you think I want to listen to you and your gurgling?

9. I may have a Filipino accent but there is no way my GO STRAIGHT sounds like GO LEFT.

8. I know where I want to go and I need YOU to take me there. I do not need you to suggest I go to a place more convenient for you.

7. If you ask me to choose between routes and I do choose, do not moan and groan all the way there because you didn’t like my choice.

6. There is a lot of traffic going in and out of the area where I live. Deal with it.

5. If picking up and dropping off people is too much work for you, change jobs.

4. Have change. No matter what time of day it is.

3. If you need directions, ask ahead. Driving at 120mph, two feet away from a junction is not the time to ask whether you need to go right or left.

2. How would you feel if I spoke to you in either of my two native languages?

1. No, you cannot have my number. I don’t want to be your friend.

Un-perfect Combinations

January 20, 2010 § 2 Comments

I’d be the first to admit that I go through life in a half assed way. I see something I like and I grab it, I’ll find a hankie to dry my tears later if things don’t work out. But I don’t regret it. It’s given me a lot of hard-earned lessons along the way such as this Top Ten List of Things I Love Separately But Should Never Be Enjoyed Together. Just don’t ask me how I found this out.

10. Beer and chocolate
9. Having a bubble bath after waxing
8. Vanilla ice cream and jagermeister
7. Eggs sunny-side up and peri-peri sauce
6. Having a huge burger before doing yoga
5. Having a burrito before sex
4. Cornflakes and condensed milk
3. Applying moisturizer to a just-threaded face
2. Texting and vodka
1. Bad boys and me

Emo

January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment

I’m a quiet person. Seriously, I am. I tend to keep my feelings to myself and just wait for things to blow over. This is a list of the Top Ten Things I Should Have Said when it still mattered.

10. No, I’m sure that would hurt.
9. That’s not doing anything for me.
8. You’re nowhere near my clit.
7. I know you’re cheating on me.
6. Surprise me.
5. Get your own dinner.
4. No, don’t want to listen to your dreams. I wanna go to sleep.
3. Find a job that pays the rent.
2. No, I’m not sacrificing my happiness for yours.
1. Don’t go.

wash me

January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment

These instructions came along with a shirt I bought in Manila. It came with a rubberized graphic of an adorable astronaut looking for space, which is kinda what I feel like saying to most people most of the time.

What struck me about these instructions was that someone actually took the effort to make them easy to follow, sensible and very amusing.

I wish my life came with such instructions. Imagine how much easier it would have been for me:

Do NOT make patol that guy, nakakahurt eh.

Do NOT, like start smoking yosis, it gets so kadiri eh.

When making decisions, make isip about it for a long time. Wag padalos dalos you, nakapaso eh. Hurt na naman you.

Do NOT think too much about things that don’t matter. Sayang lang your oras, and you can make use of that time productively pa. Like making sulat on this blog. People might even find insight from you pa.

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